I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And what do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. But I am horribly limited.

— Sylvia Plath

by valjusha

My sunday

by valjusha

6 things that make me sad

- not being able to fulfill people's expectations

- jobs like: teacher, or any job at the hotel. Because in these jobs you constantly get to know people, who will eventually leave after a while. And most of the people working for a long time in this kind of job will lose their enthousiasm and will stop to really wanting to get to know the person behind the person, because they know that this person will leave soon and another one is going to take this place. I could never do such a job, because it would break my heart to find out one day that I am indifferent to people.

- seeing on trashy German tv a reportage about an ex-drug-addict couple, who got a little appartment from the state after they did rehab. So far so good. But they somehow lost their will to do something in their lives and so they are lying all day on their bed, watching tv, eating and throwing the garbage on the floor. Which leads to a sea of paper, trash, flith, and in the middle of this sea is the bed with the two people, saying: "Tomorrow we will stand up and clean up our appartment, we won't watch tv, but we will start looking for a job, tomorrow we will start anew." This is my version of hell. I saw this reportage when I was a kid and I still think about it often.

-realizing that you love some things not for themselves, but for the idea that is behind loving them. When I was a kid I tried to collect stamps, but after a while I realized that I actually didn't really like the action of collecting stamps, but I liked doing it because one of my favourite charakters in a Astrid Lindgren book did it.

-being overly self-conscious

-that certain time, around 3:30 am, when you sometimes wake up and all your problems in life seem worse and you are so sad that it makes you sick and you are sure you won't be able to sleep anymore at all, but eventually you fall asleep and when you wake up life is better, but I am still so afraid of that certain hour.

by valjusha

a summer song

by valjusha

Colette

What is it that all the fashion brands make short movies with their collection in it? Well, I like it! (Remember, the charlotte ronson video I posted) These videos here are interesting too. Some of you might say: oh, this is soo superficial, the fashion world, the fast cars, beautiful women. But this interests me as well, I mean, especially in this video it is as though I am a voyeur into a world, people dream of, but that is unreachable. Then I also find the way, icons, artists, different eras were incorperated into these short clips, interesting. I especially like the Colette part, as I admire her as a writer! In addition appear the topics of youth versus age, feeling as though one does not fit in anymore, ignorance of what has been in the past and Saint-Tropez! And I can't tell you how beautiful I think the clothes are! So, here a bit of superficiality for you, it does good to get a dose of glitter from time to time. (oh, and just ignore the awful acting, I mean, they are models and not actors)

by valjusha

I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school.

This will be an inspiration post, sort of like a moodboard, with all the things that have inspired me during the last weeks. First of all some poetry. The last weeks have been quite poetry filled. The Poem "Die Liebenden" by Bertold Brecht is one of the poems I want to know by heart and I started to learn it. Even though I actually shouldn't put anything into my brain other than school material required for the soon to be exams... Everyone who reads this blog regularly should be familiar with the fact, that I absolutely love pictures with words on it, well this fetish has evolved in a new form: I am now obsessed with movie stills! With subtitles on the still! I will also post some of them! Right now I am very happy. It just appeared to me, that everything is just going to be alright.
Just rediscovered the song "wir sind hier nicht in seattle Dirk" by tocotronic!
OH hahahahah, how funny is the "Gap Yah"? And I actually know some English people who talk and are exactly like this guy...

DIE LIEBENDEN

Sieh jene Kraniche in großem Bogen!
Die Wolken, welche ihnen beigegeben
Zogen mit ihnen schon, als sie entflogen
Aus einem Leben in ein andres Leben
In gleicher Höhe und mit gleicher Eile
Scheinen sie alle beide nur daneben.
Daß so der Kranich mit der Wolke teile
Den schönen Himmel, den sie kurz befliegen
Daß also keines länger hier verweile
Und keines andres sehe als das Wiegen
Des andern in dem Wind, den beide spüren
Die jetzt im Fluge beieinander liegen
So mag der Wind sie in das Nichts entführen
Wenn sie nur nicht vergehen und sich bleiben
Solange kann sie beide nichts berühren
Solange kann man sie von jedem Ort vertreiben
Wo Regen drohen oder Schüsse schallen.
So unter Sonn und Monds wenig verschiedenen Scheiben
Fliegen sie hin, einander ganz verfallen.
Wohin ihr? Nirgendhin. Von wem davon? Von allen.
Ihr fragt, wie lange sind sie schon beisammen? Seit kurzem.
Und wann werden sie sich trennen? Bald.
So scheint die Liebe Liebenden ein Halt.






by valjusha

Love will tear us apart

The last days brought me a new wave of pictures with words. I dwelled in the melancholic message of them and now I will post all of them.

Argh, they are all about love, why?

by valjusha

This is the story of.....

...Morgane and Nikolaij.

Nikolaij and Morgane.

They met on the rooftop of a house, in a big city, where the hearts of the people beat even more like subwaytrains.

They both felt, that looking over a city was like looking at the sea. The sound of the cars and the millions of humans merged into a big calming wave.

He was 19 and bored.
She was 18 and sad.

With feathers in their hair and words in their head they got together.

They "hurt their pride". They "slapped their faces". They "squeezed their thighs". They "corrupted eachothers dreams".

And then they bought a flat.

Once she also wrote a letter to him:

He kept her letter in his wallet.


Then they moved to the countryside.

The way the wind moved the bed at night, the fact that she could sit in her chair on the tree and read "War and Peace" and the way they had breakfast on the grass made them very happy.

She liked to rip off the upper part of the ferns.

When they looked at the sea in the night, with the dark endless water and the light reflecting foam, for a second it seemed as if they were back in the city again.


by valjusha, who has saved so many pics and decided to invent a story about them.

now that you're 18, I feel liberated about expanding your already strange horizon (anonymous)

I had to clean out my locker this week, but I did not find any secret love notes.


Let me show you some more pictures with words:

The first pic is one of my all time favorite. Just imagine who might have written this on the wall. Don't like the last pic that much.

by valjusha

WG cunt

In the previous post I mentioned my desire to live in a WG (German for flat-sharing community). Now I have decided to explain my desire with words rather than only with pictures.

Youth is thinking everything is still possible, but with every year you get older, you see the possibilities shrink. That spirit of the young is so precious, powerful and I resent the fact that I too am getting more and more pragmatic. Nevertheless I see myself often engage in "talking-about-the-future" dreamsessions with friends. During these session I am the happiest.



Once upon a time at starbucks, Sapçonne, Suka and I were digging ourselves deeper into the beat armchairs full of crumbs, holding onto a big cup, into which our noses went dipping from time to time (sadly no-one every got bits of foam on their nosetip).

And then the dreaming-sex started.

Foreplay: We started by just talking about our university plans. Then suddenly one of us started to remember: "Hey, didn't we once, some time ago had the plan to live together after high-school?" - "True!"- "Well, do you still want to?"- "Hmm, maybe not exactely right when we start with university but maybe a year later." - "Yes, that sounds reasonable." - "So it then would be us three?" - "Us three!" - "If not now, then never, I don't want to end up living in a WG when I am 30..." - "In one year would just be the perfect time!!!"

Climax: "I just have one request: A bedroom for myself, into which I can disappear for three days (when I am moody again) and no-one will bother me!" - "Haha, OK. But then my request would be for Suka to have her own toilet and for us to share one, I mean do you remember Suka's christmas with digestion problems... Puhh.. That was pretty bad..." - "Oh, but what are we going to do if Sapçon has once again a male visitor. My sleeping time is sacred! And I am sure the walls won't be very thick..." - "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" - "Hehe, just joking." - "And our fridge will always contain beer!" - (all in sync.) "OHH YES" - "We'll have the coolest homeparties ever!" - "But hey! We shouldn't forget to study as well!" - " Oh no, we won't! But hey, I will have to study the most, that's not fair!" - "Are you crazy? Do you think law is that easy??" - "A very important point of our peaceful living-together will be the plan for the little-jobs-one-has-to-do-living-in-a-flat, like washing the dishes, cooking, cleaning the toilets!" - "Suka won't be let near the kitchen!" - "I hope so!" - "Hahaha, we really need such a plan, but valjusha, are you also going to do the work on the plan??" - "Hey, I always help!!" - "Jiiihaa, can't wait to decorate the flat!"

Orgasm?

Afterplay: "I am serious, let's really do this!" - "Me too. - "And me too, if I will stay in this city..." - "How much do you think we'd have to pay monthly?" - "You know it is really hard to find a flat in the centre of the city..." - "But we'll do this, no matter what." - "Yes, it is possible!" - "If not now, then when?"



(this pic is from the artist Jazzmaster recommended in one of the previous posts: Burhan Dogançay)


by valjusha

I want to live in a WG

by valjusha

Cheesy (my 2nd favourite word)

by valjusha

Randomness continued

by valjusha

Nurturing my obsession.

by valjusha

I need words

I am obsessed with photographs with words on them. And paired with some songtexts that are stuck in my head they are heartbreaking. These short phrases on the pics, or in songs, they are my lifesavers. I hold on to them, repeating the word like mantras.
"When we were teenagers we wanted to be the sky", written on a city background with a crane is just beautiful.

"Driving in your car I never, never want to go home .... And if doppeldecker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die" (The Smiths - There's a light that never goes out)

"And you love like nobody around you, oh how you love and a halo surrounds you, le pastie de la bourgeoisie, in the autumn cool say cheerio to school" (Belle & Sebastian - Le pastie de la bourgeoisie)

"Oh well you know, there she goes a little heartache, there she goes a little pain ..." (Babyshambles - There she goes)

"Sunday morning, brings the dawning, it's just a restless feeling by my side, early dawning, sunday morning, it's just the wasted years so close behind" (The velvet underground & Nico - Sunday morning)

"Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going the be friends" (The White Stripes - We are going to be friends)

by valjusha